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FrozenGate by Avery

Jokes thread!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? no idea
what do you call a dinosaur with one eye? a doyouthinkhesaurus
 





hEAD850A3
 
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Arctic. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The Captain and his parrot saw the same shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the Captain understood, he would tell the other cruise ship employees how the trick was done. It was only a matter of time before the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one night the ship struck an ice berg and sank. The magician awoke suddenly to find himself on a piece of wood adrift in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and yet another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
 
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.

And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had ***?

Tarzan not know *** he replied.

Jane explained to him what *** was.

Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel
 
I met a real hot woman in Rome last summer. She didn't speak much English but that didn't matter, she was real hot. We hit it off real good and agreed to share a cab to the hotel we were both staying at.

We got to the hotel bar and had a couple of drinks, next thing you know we're in bed going at it like crazy. I must have been giving it to her pretty good because all night she kept yelling Buco Sbagliato! Buco Sbagliato! We did it like 5 times. It was good.

The next day I had golf with some business associates, I had my best round ever. On the 14th hole I scored a hole-in-one! I was so happy I stared yelling Buco Sbagliato! Buco Sbagliato!

One of my fellow golfers stopped me and said; "Oh no Senior Snaggs, I assure you that it is the right hole."
 
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Oh god those things are f**kin annoying. Seemed like every chinese tourist had at least two, with one sticking up their @$$. How many pictures of one's mug, with a blurry background does a person need?!
 
InfinitusEquitas said:
Oh god those things are f**kin annoying. Seemed like every chinese tourist had at least two, with one sticking up their @$$. How many pictures of one's mug, with a blurry background does a person need?!
Click to expand...

I don't think I've ever taken one, with or without a stick, but I think the reason people do them, is they want a pic of themselves to post, but, don't seem to have any friends WITH them to take it, so, they take it of themselves.

Some appear to be simply a souvenir shot, they are somewhere and want a pic to remember it by/prove they were there, etc...

And some seem to be simply wanting a pic of themselves for whatever reason....but, I think some are possessed by ducks as part of the process, judging from some of the pics I've seen.

:can:
 
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I've taken maybe 3-4 ever, and just don't see the appeal. I see my own mug in the mirror everyday :p

Now pictures from somewhere, or with friends, that's a different story. I just found it annoying to occasionally bump into one, but then lots of things annoy me... slow walkers, girls with gargantuan handbags which they manage to swing at crotch level without even noticing etc,.

Anyway, here's a leaked picture of Harrison Ford being rushed to the hospital after the plan crash. He isn't looking so great: http://i.imgur.com/L6xeCGn.jpg
 
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