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FrozenGate by Avery

joke

This guys calls work and says he won't be in today as he is sick.

His boss says "well just how sick are you?".

He replies "well I am in bed with my sister!".

That's pretty sick... :tired:
 





How'd you guys like your puns? Rare, medium rare or through?

Either way, let me commence this purloin English truffle.

What does an aviator use to light a heater? A pilot light.

A doctor upon informing a prostitute that she has herpes from oral sex- the truth can be hard to swallow.

Seen at a chemist: Viagra- the hard truth.

Did you hear about the new dildo/lighter combination? Quite literally, fire in the hole!

I am not a big fan of air-moving devices in the winter.

"Attention, gentlemen. A registered brassier has just arrived by fe-male. It's in the package"
"Aha! From our bosum friend!" (double)

"My wife has just made a pancake 30 feet round. Is it a record?" "I don't know. Try playing it on the gramophone."

"Ensign, ensign! How far are we from Red Bladder's Harem?"
"We must be within earshot!"
" What makes you think that, ensign?"
"He just shot off one of mah ears!"

My vacuum cleaner- it sucks.

The weather is terrible. I guess my hopes for a balloon flight have been deflated.

I'll admit it, the above pun was a little flat.

A one period long talk on tampons for PE. How fitting. (double)

What do you call a pole dancer at the airport? Airstrip.

I have a video of Kirby drag-racing Iron Chef Japanese. I guess it was
...called a Gourmet Race.

The fight against vegetables has been fruitless

Copper sulfite. If there's two coppers then where are the criminals?

If I have a ring of Fe2+ ions, does it make a ferrous wheel?

Electricity- what a shocking discovery.

Two scientists are busily farting in a wardrobe. I guess you could call it a fume cupboard.

The police are trying to question a drug dealer. I heard they're trying to elicit information from him.

Liquid nitrogen- it's so cool!

Uranus- the butt of many a space joke.

A man died while another man was ejaculating into his ear. I guess you could say...he heard it coming.

Give me a piano to throw down a mineshaft and I'll show you A flat minor.
Who ever thought of that musical joke must be pretty...sharp.
Oh, please. That was just flat.

"Justin Bieber walks into the boys change room" " Hey, that's sexist!"

A military droid has just fallen into a vat of alkali metals. I guess you could call it...botassium.

"A preacher was found dead with several bullet exit wounds in his chest." "Well I guess you could say...he was a holy man"

When experiencing sodomy, one must be ass-ertive.

Athletics is good for you- it helps you in the long run.

Watching a film on fossil fuels... again. I hate re-peats.

"Sir! A laser used in a murder stopped working after I put new batteries in." "Well, I guess you could say... it's case positive."

And now, for a visual.

32117_124427240927099_100000794705630_119710_4039335_n.jpg
 
Here's worse. I know it's extremely bad ettiquette to double-post, but I came up with this today.

What did the scientist say when he dropped his colleague's blue lasers?

"Argh! I'm ar-goner!"

Terrible, yes, but it could be worse.
 
A man, his wife, and their ten children are waiting at a bus stop for the bus to arrive
and to take them home, which is a few miles away. As they are waiting for the bus to
arrive, a blind man walks up to the bus stop using his cane and tap, tap, tapping to find
his way. The bus arrives, but their is only enough room on the bus for 11 people, so the
husband and the blind man offer to walk to their destinations while the wife and ten
children ride the bus. As they start out walking, the blink man uses his cane and taps,
taps, taps his way along the sidewalk. This starts to annoy the husband, but they
continue on and to find his way the blind man continues to tap, tap, tap, and finally the
husband yells, "Jeeze man! Why don't you put some rubber on the end of that thing so it
isn't so annoying!" To which the blind man replies, "If you had put rubber on the end of
your thing, we wouldn't be walking now would we."
 
Necro-bump!

What did the diode say to the DPSS module before the big show?

"Are you pumped?"

*facepalm*
 
I've run out of laser jokes, but here's one as per CSI Miami.



"Sir! A electrician killed a man when he was giving a blowjob to him."

"Well, I guess you could say, he blew a fuse."

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 
How many newbies does it take to focus a 445?

Two. Each with one good eye.
 
Horrible necrobump for a horrible joke. Hey- it's better than creating a new thread, right?

__________

Q: What did the overweight rechargeable battery do?

A: It went and got LIPOsuction.
 
from 27b/6:

Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear and wriggle 'saving private ryan beach commando style' into her bedroom and listen to their conversations. Some were educational, most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a cd store and a girl came up to me and said "Are you David?" to which I replied "It depends" (and immediately regretted as I knew that if she asked me 'depends on what', I had nothing). The fear must have shown because she asked "Depends on what?" and I replied like a retard "On whether it is on or off the record, I have been misquoted by you people before." and she looked at me as if I was a retard before telling me that she had been a friend of my sisters and remembered me and then actually asked "Are you still annoying?" so I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson". After a pretty long pause I asked her out but she said no.

This guy has some hilarious stories :crackup:
 
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