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FrozenGate by Avery

Jokes thread!

Two toothpics are walking down the street. They see a steel needle coming their way.
One says,

"Holy shit, a Terminator, RUN!"
 





A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


^seen several variants of this one, but these are the jokes I like, ones where all the info is there, but you don't really notice or think of it until the end when the joke teller makes it very obvious.

This one was posted in laserchat the other day, but is kinda harshly worded, so instead, I've linked to someone else who had copypasted it:

They call me... Tiiiiiiiim~ - Oh shit

Umm, as you can see in the link, PG-13 for language.
 
Here's one I just got with email.

As usual, feel free to replace the characters of the joke with ones whichever work best for you.


Somewhere in Russia.

Minister Medvedev comes to president Putin and says:
- President Putin! I would like to request for the whole world to get rid of this ridiculous "tiem zones" things! Right now!
- What? Why?
- It's confusing as hell! Whenever I go for a trip in another city or country, I want to call home to check up, they sleeping. Last week I wake you up in 4 in the morning because it's evening my time. I call Angela to say Happy Birthday, she says it was yesterday. I call president of China to say Happy New Year, he says it's tomorrow.
I can't stand it anymore!
- What man, just pay more attention! Those are all trivial matters!
- TRIVIAL?! You know the accident in Poland with presidential airplane crashing? I call to give my condolences, man says they didn't even take off yet!
 
Very good Eud :crackup: :) That went down very well here! :beer:


Last 10 pence

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

:)
 
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A shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy!
The rest of you, come with me.
 
nGElJ.png
 
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says.........
.
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
.
"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
.
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
.
"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
.
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget."
.
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
.
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....
.
"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
.
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
.
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....
.
.
Ees.....

Ees....

Ees....
.
.
.
.
Ees...
.
.
.
.
Ees....
.
.
.
.
Ees..... a ham bush...."
.
.
.
.
.
 
I swear that women are so ungrateful sometimes :mad:

I made her breakfast in bed

Instead of just saying, "Thank you."

She pops off with,

"How did you get into my house!?!"
 
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