Thanks for the advice. Re: the automatic light -- unfortunately that doesn't work with these raccoons. I know hiring professionals is probably the right approach, but it is very pricey (I've had to do it before for some animals in the attic issues), and I would probably have to do it every couple of years. I was hoping for a "teach a man to fish" solution instead of a "buy a fish" solution if that makes sense. Anyway, I don't need generalized raccoon advice; I have plenty of that. It's pretty clear that my question is either a terrible, terrible idea or super taboo to discuss on these forums. In any case, it's pretty clear that no legit discussion will be had here -- sorry for the disturbance.
Here's a link to the thing that got me thinking about this (obviously this is designed for birds, and not a system designed for any sane residential application but it sparked some ideas):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5fkixXNDVQ
And the hand-held version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhUp6myIHAk