This hobby helped me figure out I have undiagnosed ADHD

I was so into lasers from 2010-2015. Then senior year of college happened, then grad school happened, then career started, then I got into the space industry, then covid happened; it just snowballed into a whole lot of responsibility that I needed to reserve my energy for so I couldn't enjoy hobbies anymore. It was great when I was living with my parents and I didn't really have any responsibilities except for getting my degrees. Then it all fell apart because I only have a finite amount of energy to focus on what matters

If you have ADHD, you were born with it - it's genetic. It's a disorder where the dopamine system in your brain isn't working to full capacity. Dopamine is responsible for alertness and focus. It's thought it evolved from a need to have a few people in the village who would get distracted from conversations by noises in the bush so they could alert everyone to tigers and such. It's also a great set of traits to have for exploration because you're constantly thinking, "what's over there, it looks nice," or, "you guys go look for berries, I'm going to mess around with these sticks and twine to try to make a device that I can shoot food with," instead of focusing on the one task everyone else is. That's great back then but it does not mesh well with office jobs and modern society, but it's also still great for creative activities.

I reference the focus I was able to put into these lasers before I moved out and started my career all the time to prove to myself that I'm not just lazy and stupid. Working with small parts, planning what voltage goes to what solder joint, messing up and trying new things - that's everything I loved about this stuff. Now it's my job and I hate it. I don't have the energy to deal with this same type of stuff after I do it all day at work. Failing and restarting again with new ideas isn't fun anymore for me because if I don't do it well enough and fast enough I'll get fired. It's gotten so bad that I don't have the energy to enjoy anything that requires input anymore, not even video games. I am drained of dopamine 100% of the time.

But when I was playing with lasers, I could focus for such long periods of time - hours and hours into the early AM, and the reward was a bright purple dot on the wall that meant my electronics didn't immediately burn out. Most people with ADHD exhibit "hyperfocus" on things they really enjoy. It's complex where they've developed this ability to exert absolute focus on something important to them because if they get distracted they won't get back to it. It's not much, but it's one piece of the puzzle to me. I've realized I'd had many other symptoms throughout my entire life. And the differences in my life between then and now are so concrete.

In the US, when you try to express to a doctor that you have a lot of trouble concentrating, the immediate response (at least in the towns I've lived) is to try to gaslight you into thinking your symptoms aren't real. They won't even write down in your record that you mentioned it because there is such a stigma against the medication. So if you actually do have these symptoms and you've had them your whole life, you're constantly trying to prove/disprove them to yourself with evidence from your past experiences. But more than one doctor and more than one specialist might tell you that you probably just have a learning disability since there's no way you have ADHD because you weren't diagnosed as a 7 year old by your school teachers because you're flipping chairs over and starting fights at school. And they'll try to make you think that you're just looking for study drugs and assert that you're a college student because you look young even though you already work in the space industry by some miracle. And it takes so long to get a psychiatry appointment that you have so many months alone to think about your whole life constantly until someone will listen to you.

I don't know if this came off like some disorganized collection of ramblings by a crazy person, but I want to thank the dangerous-high-power laser community for keeping this hobby that you can make as complicated as you want and it only gets more fun the more complex you make it. I want to thank everyone that helped me figure out how to work with these parts through your detailed technical posts and general support, people who support the engineering, and especially the people who come up with all these creative part assemblies and interesting-looking builds

This was my number one thing back in the day. I've got a promising appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of July in a more progressive city, and I can't wait to get diagnosed and treated so I can enjoy this hobby again

Good golly I feel this so post so damn much. I don’t have the energy to respond to this thoughtfully and thoroughly right now, so I’m not. But I’m gonna try to respond here or PM you later if I remember to come back around to this thread. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I really mean that.

I’m really excited for you about your psych appointment. Vicariously so. I’ve been trying so hard recently to take the time to pull the trigger on finding someone to meet with and actually scheduling an appointment. I think it would do me so much f***ing good. Even though I’ve never met you, I’m sincerely stoked for you, man. You’re definitely not alone. And I’ll tell you it made me feel better to read that and know that I’m not.

I know that sounds dramatic and sappy, but whatever. It can be an exceedingly frustrating mode of being. And the amount of misinformation and misunderstanding there is about it is dizzying. And no, I’m not doing the whole ‘victim’, ‘woe is me’ thing, if that’s what it looks like. Sure, I cannot empathize with any other modes of being, but even still I’ll say I don’t think I’d want to be another way, as surprising as it is to hear myself say that. It’s not a disability, but it certainly can be both a boon and a curse, and it’s way more f***ing complex than most people realize.

I’ve been into lasers all of four days now, but the subject/hobby just so happened to hit that dopamine trigger for me, so I’m all in. I know myself well enough to know where this goes from here. That hyperfocus is REAL.

Thanks again. I mean that.
-Ryan

I really appreciate your response. It’s always a fantastic feeling to talk to someone and they know exactly how your brain functions on almost like a spiritual level. I would write a lot more than this because I really really appreciate the reply, but I just can’t right now, lol

I wish you the best

Sometimes a simple "Moo" is all you need to say XD

@AMooMooCow I feel exactly the same way you do and the time frame almost fits perfectly with mine.. Except I didn't go to aerospace school. I went into depression around 2012 and lasers really kept me going... I'm doing better now. I didn't get diagnosed but what you've experienced, I have also noticed in myself. Sometimes it's hard for me to hold a conversation with someone because I can't filter out sounds around me. I hear everything that goes on around me.. I can hear the pearson speaking to me but at the same time I can hear the cars passing by, someone's footsteps in the distance, an airplane flying overhead, other people having a conversation down the street. Birds chirping, children running and laughing, another person going up the stairs jingling their keys from their pockets as they get to their apartment... It's weird to explain.... I can't find the right words

LaserRanger said:

@AMooMooCow I feel exactly the same way you do and the time frame almost fits perfectly with mine.. Except I didn't go to aerospace school. I went into depression around 2012 and lasers really kept me going... I'm doing better now. I didn't get diagnosed but what you've experienced, I have also noticed in myself. Sometimes it's hard for me to hold a conversation with someone because I can't filter out sounds around me. I hear everything that goes on around me.. I can hear the pearson speaking to me but at the same time I can hear the cars passing by, someone's footsteps in the distance, an airplane flying overhead, other people having a conversation down the street. Birds chirping, children running and laughing, another person going up the stairs jingling their keys from their pockets as they get to their apartment... It's weird to explain.... I can't find the right words

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Yes Yes. There’s this part of it where you’re processing everything and all stimuli in the environment and it’s so overwhelming and just exhausting. I think the DSM calls this “easily distracted”. It’s crazy to think about how different we process things and just to realize this isn’t how everyone else experiences the world. It’s just a constant stream of parts of words and visual daydreams that’s extremely distracting. And I’ve read about how quiet it can become in your mind if you try medication. And it made me actually angry to learn just how quiet my brain could have been, and everything in my life up until right now could have been so much easier if anyone could even identify real ADHD. Not even a lot of the psychiatrists can see it. I just imagine I could have been a doctor or a surgeon or a PhD if I could think clearly like that but the constant music and chopped up parts of words are drowning me in noise. Nobody understands how deafening it is. I am so tired and I can’t ever just choose to sleep

AMooMooCow said:

2010년부터 2015년까지는 레이저에 푹 빠져 있었어요. 그러다 대학교 4학년이 되고, 대학원에 진학하고, 직장 생활을 시작하고, 우주 산업에 발을 들여놓게 되면서 코로나19 사태까지 겹치면서 책임감이 눈덩이처럼 불어났고, 에너지를 쏟아야 할 일들이 많아지면서 취미 생활을 즐길 여유가 없어졌죠. 부모님과 함께 살 때는 학위 따는 것 외에는 별다른 책임 없이 정말 좋았어요. 하지만 결국 모든 게 무너져 내렸어요. 중요한 일에 집중할 수 있는 에너지는 한정되어 있으니까요.

ADHD가 있다면 선천적인 유전 질환입니다. 뇌의 도파민 시스템이 제 기능을 하지 못하는 장애로, 도파민은 각성과 집중력을 담당합니다. 도파민은 과거 마을에서 숲속 소리에 정신이 팔려 호랑이 같은 위험한 동물의 출현을 알리는 역할을 하는 사람들이 필요했던 데서 진화했다는 설이 있습니다. 또한, 도파민은 탐험 정신이 강한 사람에게도 적합한 특성입니다. "저기 뭐가 있지? 좋아 보이는데." 또는 "너희들은 열매를 따러 가. 나는 나뭇가지랑 끈으로 뭔가를 만들어 봐야겠다." 와 같이 끊임없이 생각하며 다른 사람들이 하는 일에 집중하지 않기 때문입니다. 과거에는 이러한 성향이 유용했지만, 사무직이나 현대 사회에는 잘 맞지 않습니다. 하지만 창의적인 활동에는 여전히 큰 도움이 됩니다.

제가 직장 생활을 시작하고 독립하기 전에 레이저에 쏟았던 집중력을 떠올리며, 제가 게으르고 멍청한 사람이 아니라는 걸 스스로에게 증명하곤 합니다. 작은 부품들을 다루고, 어떤 전압이 어떤 납땜 부위에 들어가야 하는지 계획하고, 시행착오를 겪고 새로운 것을 시도하는 것, 그게 제가 이 일을 좋아했던 이유입니다. 그런데 이제 그게 제 직업이 되니 너무 싫습니다. 하루 종일 회사에서 똑같은 일을 하고 나면, 이런 일에 다시 매달릴 에너지가 남아 있지 않습니다. 실패하고 새로운 아이디어로 다시 시작하는 것도 더 이상 즐겁지 않습니다. 충분히 잘하지 못하거나 빨리 끝내지 못하면 해고당할 테니까요. 상황이 너무 심각해져서 이제는 어떤 것에도 집중할 에너지가 없습니다. 비디오 게임조차도요. 도파민이 100% 고갈된 상태입니다.

하지만 레이저를 가지고 놀 때는 정말 오랫동안 집중할 수 있었어요. 새벽까지 몇 시간이고 계속 집중할 수 있었죠. 벽에 선명한 보라색 점이 나타나는 걸 보면 전자기기가 금방 고장 나지 않았다는 걸 알 수 있어서 정말 뿌듯했어요. ADHD를 가진 사람들은 대부분 자신이 정말 좋아하는 것에 대해 '과집중'하는 경향을 보여요. 중요한 것에 절대적인 집중력을 발휘하는 능력이 발달한 거죠. 한눈팔면 다시 집중할 수 없으니까요. 별것 아닌 것 같지만, 제게는 퍼즐의 한 조각과 같아요. 평생 동안 다른 증상들도 많이 나타났다는 걸 깨달았죠. 그때와 지금의 삶은 너무나도 확연하게 달라졌어요.

미국에서 집중력에 심각한 문제가 있다고 의사에게 말하면 (적어도 제가 살았던 지역에서는) 즉각적인 반응은 당신의 증상이 사실이 아니라고 믿게끔 가스라이팅을 하려는 것입니다. 약물 치료에 대한 사회적 낙인 때문에 의사는 당신이 그런 증상을 언급했다는 사실조차 진료 기록에 적어주지 않습니다. 그래서 만약 당신이 실제로 그런 증상을 평생 겪어왔다면, 과거 경험을 통해 스스로의 증상을 증명하거나 반증하려고 끊임없이 애쓰게 됩니다. 하지만 한 명 이상의 의사와 전문의가 당신에게 학습 장애일 가능성이 높다고 말할지도 모릅니다. 왜냐하면 당신은 7살 때 학교에서 의자를 뒤집고 싸움을 벌여서 ADHD 진단을 받은 적이 없기 때문입니다. 그들은 당신이 단지 공부에 도움이 되는 약을 찾는 거라고 생각하게 만들고, 당신이 어려 보인다는 이유로 대학생일 거라고 단정 지을 것입니다. 실제로는 우주 산업 분야에서 일하고 있을지라도 말입니다. 정신과 진료 예약을 잡는 데 너무 오랜 시간이 걸려서, 누군가 내 이야기를 들어줄 때까지 몇 달 동안 혼자서 끊임없이 자신의 인생 전체를 되돌아보게 된다.

이 글이 마치 정신 나간 사람이 횡설수설하는 것처럼 들릴지 모르겠지만, 저는 위험천만한 고출력 레이저 커뮤니티에 감사드리고 싶습니다. 이 취미는 원하는 만큼 복잡하게 만들 수 있고, 복잡하게 만들수록 더 재밌어지니까요. 자세한 기술 게시물과 아낌없는 지원으로 부품들을 다루는 방법을 알려주신 모든 분들, 엔지니어링을 지원해주시는 분들, 그리고 특히 창의적인 부품 조립과 흥미로운 작품들을 만들어내시는 분들께 진심으로 감사드립니다.

이건 예전에 제가 제일 좋아했던 취미였어요. 7월 말에 좀 더 진보적인 도시에서 정신과 의사와의 진료 예약이 잡혀 있어서, 빨리 진단받고 치료받아서 이 취미를 다시 즐길 수 있기를 간절히 바라고 있어요.

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당신의 글을 읽고 진심으로 위로받았습니다. 얼마 전까지만 해도 저는 제가 단순히 집중력이 부족한 사람이라고 생각했는데, 최근에 ADHD일지도 모른다는 확신이 들기 시작했습니다. 이 커뮤니티에 저와 비슷한 분들이 계시다는 것을 알게 되어 정말 안심이 됩니다. 이 글이 오래된 글이긴 하지만, 혹시라도 이 글을 보게 되신다면 감사 인사를 드리고 싶었습니다. 한국에서 인사드립니다.