I have given the whole:
"How are you feeling today Ivan?"
"I'm not feeling so good. In fact, I'm horrible right now. My wife left me for my brother, I lost custody of all my kids, my parents got divorced, ..." and continue on a depressing list of things. But non of them were as funny as this, I'd just be afraid for the "impersonating a police officer" part, but eh thats just me