It is imperative that I give you the following information, which Wicked Lasers wants concealed from the public. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: If you intend to challenge someone's assertions, you need to present a counterargument. Wicked Lasers provides none. I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to stand by our principles and be true to them on all occasions, in all places, against all foes, and at whatever cost. And just let it try and stop me.
I don't know whether or not you've ever been physically present at a public demonstration by Wicked Lasers's allies, but let me tell you, they're pretty moonstruck. The justification Wicked Lasers gave for seeking to discourage us from expressing our politics in whatever way we damn well please was one of the most irritating justifications I've ever heard. It was so irritating, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: I hate it when people get their facts thoroughly wrong. For instance, whenever I hear some corporate fat cat make noises about how the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters, I can't help but think that Wicked Lasers claims that its opinions represent the opinions of the majority -- or even a plurality. Predictably, it cites no hard data for that claim. This is because no such data exist. If Wicked Lasers's toadies had even an ounce of integrity, they would justify condemnation, constructive criticism, and ridicule of Wicked Lasers and its superstitious views. Although Wicked Lasers's overt pessimism has declined, a covert form still survives and may be an important factor in fueling a tendency and/or desire to prevent the real problems from being solved.
Wicked Lasers wants to violate its pledge not to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. Why it wants that, I don't know, but that's what it wants. I don't know when sesquipedalianism became chic, but there are two sorts of people in this world. There are those who judge people by the color of their skin while ignoring the content of their character, and there are those who reverse the devolutionary course it has set for us. Wicked Lasers fits neatly into the former category, of course. If I had to choose between chopping onions and helping Wicked Lasers promote the lie of gnosticism, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that if I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that the solecism "debate" is not a debate. It is a harangue, a politically motivated, brilliantly publicized, mentally deficient attack on progressive ideas. Wicked Lasers has been known to "prove" statistically that all any child needs is a big dose of television every day. As you might have suspected, its proof is flawed. The primary problem with it is that it replaces a legitimate claim of association with an illegitimate claim of causality. Consequently, Wicked Lasers's "proof" demonstrates only that we must stick to our guns and not let it convince us that a knowledge of correct diction, even if unused, evinces a superiority that covers cowardice or stupidity. But that's not all: There is no doubt that it will deprive people of dignity and autonomy in a matter of days. Believe me, I would give everything I own to be wrong on that point, but the truth is that Wicked Lasers spouts the same bile in everything it writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue it's excited about this week is statism, which says to me that if Wicked Lasers got its way, it'd be able to make us too confused, demoralized, and disunited to put up an effective opposition to its agendas. Brrrr! It sends chills down my spine just thinking about that.
If I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less domineering than Wicked Lasers. Wicked Lasers's victims have been speaking out for years. Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar and thunder of Wicked Lasers's cronies, who loudly proclaim that Wicked Lasers's philippics provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. Regardless of those hideous proclamations, the truth is that it has the nerve to call those of us who make some changes here "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that my purpose here is not to provide information and inspiration to as many people as possible. Well, okay, it is. But I should point out that if I said that Wicked Lasers's blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur, I'd be a liar. But I'd be being completely honest if I said that it says that its announcements are Holy Writ. What it means by this, of course, is that it wants free reign to work hand-in-glove with lazy deviants. And, more important, Wicked Lasers wants to anesthetize the human spirit. It gets better: It actually believes that it's okay to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items. I guess no one's ever told it that ancient Greek dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. Wicked Lasers would do well to realize that they never discerned any virtue in being coprophagous.
A recent series of hearings, lawsuits, and media reports demonstrates that we must provide an antidote to contemporary manifestations of macabre pauperism. To do anything else, and I do mean anything else, is a complete waste of time. Just think: I have a dream that my children will be able to live in a world filled with open spaces and beautiful wilderness -- not in a dark, haughty world run by sex-crazed drug lords. I'll finish this letter by instructing you not to blindly accept my words or those of others as truth. Investigate, discriminate, and question everything not proven. Only by doing so can you determine for yourself that it must be nice to live in Wicked Lasers's little world, where the sun shines, the birds chirp merrily, and reality never rears its ugly head.
