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- Oct 31, 2006
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ok so anyone knows any cool jokes? ;D
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ArcticMyst Security by Avery
jokes ppl?
- Thread starter aquamarinenvn
- Start date
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2006
- Messages
- 192
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ill think of some
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2006
- Messages
- 192
- Points
- 0
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If you were a car door I would slam you all night long
Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
I'd look good on you.
When does your centerfold come out.
So do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
You have nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If you were a car door I would slam you all night long
Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
I'd look good on you.
When does your centerfold come out.
So do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
You have nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
IM NOT RACEST !!! I ACTUALLY JUST HEARD THIS JOKE ON THE RADIO
I DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE!!!
Q- Theres a mexican, a black man, and a white man in the back of a car. Whos driving ?
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A- The cops.
and a another good hearted one.
- Theres two muffins in a oven. One muffin says to the other " Wow its hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the other and yells" Oh My God !! Its a talking Muffin !!!!!"
ha ha ? i thought they were funny
I DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE!!!
Q- Theres a mexican, a black man, and a white man in the back of a car. Whos driving ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A- The cops.
and a another good hearted one.
- Theres two muffins in a oven. One muffin says to the other " Wow its hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the other and yells" Oh My God !! Its a talking Muffin !!!!!"
ha ha ? i thought they were funny
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2006
- Messages
- 192
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- 0
Nice!!! LOL
I guess we do need sum humor in here with all the tension LOL
I guess we do need sum humor in here with all the tension LOL
two guys discuss Christmas presents 4 their brides. first guy says " i'm gettin her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz. that way if she doesn,t like the necklace,she can drive the Benz to exchange the necklace." second guy says" i'm gettin my babe a pair of flip flops and a dildo" first guy says "Huh?" second guy explains " yeah, that way if she don't like the flip flops she can go FxxK herself!" (hope that don't get me in trouble)
S
SenKat
Guest
BeautySoulQueen said:
Okay - so tell us, BSQ - which one of the above lines did c0ld hit you with ? ;D
(KIDDING ! I SWEAR IT !)
I just wanna know for future reference what works, since I have been with my wife for 19 years now - when she starts seeing all the bills for these lasers - she is SURE to toss my A$$ out ! ;D
a guy goes to church for confession. he is in the booth n says"florgive me father, for i have sinned" the priest says "tell me of your sin, my son" guy says " well father i made love to my wife over a sack of potatoes" priest tells him -if you are married thats not a sin. the guy says r u sure,father? priest says yep, i'm sure ...the says huh, i wonder why the manager at Safeway got so pissed off?
S
SenKat
Guest
;DOMG !
Basic Lessons In Political Science
Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Republic: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Capitalism, American style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
American bureaucracy: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
American corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
French corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
Japanese corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
German corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
Italian corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Belgian corporation: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
Russian corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them again and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Taliban corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
Iraqi corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
Polish corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
Florida government: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Republic: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Capitalism, American style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
American bureaucracy: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
American corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
French corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
Japanese corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
German corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
Italian corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Belgian corporation: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
Russian corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them again and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Taliban corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
Iraqi corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
Polish corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
Florida government: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
BeautySoulQueen said:
wow you can think of them pretty fast
Heres a short one (dont take it personal)
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
a couple i remember when i was young
(Mods, if the language in this one is a problem, I will delete it - R.)
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some f*ckin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*ckin’ French toast."
-----------
A guy goes into a bar and orders a drink and says, "hey anyone want to hear a joke?" The bar tender replies, "what kind of joke is it?" The guys says, "It's about dumb jocks."
The bartender retorts, "well the man at the table behind you is a retired pro football player, the man to your right plays baseball in the local men's league and the man to your left was a middle weight contender... so you still want to tell that joke?"
The guy says,"Hell no! I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!!!"
-----------
A guy walks into a bar and meets a beautiful hooker. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got an especially good time for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy thinks about it, pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly:
"Paint… my… house."
-----------
A baby seal walks into a club...
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some f*ckin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*ckin’ French toast."
-----------
A guy goes into a bar and orders a drink and says, "hey anyone want to hear a joke?" The bar tender replies, "what kind of joke is it?" The guys says, "It's about dumb jocks."
The bartender retorts, "well the man at the table behind you is a retired pro football player, the man to your right plays baseball in the local men's league and the man to your left was a middle weight contender... so you still want to tell that joke?"
The guy says,"Hell no! I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!!!"
-----------
A guy walks into a bar and meets a beautiful hooker. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got an especially good time for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy thinks about it, pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly:
"Paint… my… house."
-----------
A baby seal walks into a club...
S
SenKat
Guest
PAINT MY HOUSE !!! Muahahahahaha !!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
P
Proctor
Guest
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.
"Guess what, mate ? ," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"
"Guess what, mate ? ," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"
T
timelord
Guest
New laptop like it LOL ;D ;D ;D
