Old 06-08-2008, 08:35 AM #1
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Default Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chestand flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handlefirmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby endingany possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into thetrash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals underlids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the mostexpensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboardcartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contentssuch as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicingwork clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also,most often, the next tool that you will need.


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Old 06-08-2008, 03:14 PM #2
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

Amen to that.
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Old 06-08-2008, 03:47 PM #3
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

;D

That was awesome... Especially since I use nearly all of those tools everyday... I have slightly more luck with them, but still...

Yes, I do have a "DAMMIT!!!" tool. Several, in fact.
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Old 06-08-2008, 03:57 PM #4
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

;D That was great! The hacksaw one is so true...
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Old 06-08-2008, 11:47 PM #5
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

LOL! Lol at the DAMMIT tool ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Old 06-09-2008, 06:44 PM #6
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

Awesome list!! I can think of several of these tools that I also own.....and for some reason, am also expert in their usage!!
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:10 AM #7
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

OMFG. That has got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen!!!
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:15 AM #8
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

Since ya all are aviation related here is an aviation joke to go with those tools.

Mechanical Issues
WHO SAID MAINTENANCE PROFESSIONALS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR?????
After various flights, Quantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called
a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered
with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Quantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:28 AM #9
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

Tools of the trade
Attached Thumbnails
Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use.-img_5495.jpg  
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Old 06-15-2008, 07:16 PM #10
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use

BRILLIANT KENOM LMFAO, CANT STOP LAUGHING, thats the kind of things you would here in my dads work, hes an IT technician .

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Old 05-04-2011, 04:48 PM #11
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Default Re: Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use.

bumping because it is so damn funny
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