Jokes thread!

[ARG]

Two Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious. One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again." The woman then says a loud "You foul mouthed swines! In America we don't talk about our sex lives in public! "Hey cool down lady" the Italian said. "Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!

 

[grainde]

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that
her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .
'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 

[lasersbee]

A guy goes to the beach every day trying to pickup girls
but to no avail...

He sees another guy for weeks on end walking down the
beach and returning with a new girl every day.

One day he asks the buff lucky guy what his secret was..
The buff lucky guy states "put a potato in you swim
trunks".

He tries this for a week with no more luck than before
when he stops the buff lucky guy and complains to him
that his trick doesn't work...

The buff lucky guy looks at him and says.......

"The potato goes in the front"...


Jerry

You can contact us at any time on our Website: J.BAUER Electronics

 

[grainde]

This might appeal

 

[Eudaimonium]

This one I told on Laserchat a while ago. Still not sure how well does it work with international audience but...

Bill Gates catches a gold fish in the lake. (In Croatian jokes, gold fishes are magical creatures and uncompromisingly grant wishes).

Gates looks at it, and prepares to throw it back in the lake.

Fish yells out "Wait wait wait! What about the three wishes?"

Bill Gates says: "Oh all right. Go ahead."


[For those not getting it: Bill Gates is rich]
****************

Follows another directly translated local, but very over-the-top style joke. A lot of them are usually brutal exaggerations like this one. Let me know how it works for you people over borders and seas.

So a Russian, American and Croat have a small "Who's the most alcohol-tolerant badass" contest. The task they agreed upon is:
Drink 3 bottles of their favorite drink,
Go into a bear's case and break the bear's legs bare handed,
And have sex with a girl living not too far from the cave.

First goes Russian who drinks 3 bottles of some russian vodka, barely walks to the cave all drunk and all, goes inside, and all that was heard was the guy getting killed and eaten.

Second goes the American who drinks 3 bottles of some good old whiskey. He confidently walks into the gave but everything that's heard is he getting mauled to death by a bear.

Last goes the Croat. He drinks 3 bottles of homemade rakija (easily 2x alcohol content of other commercial liquors). He walks confidently into the cave.

Suddenly there's a whole lot of yelling and both human and inhuman screaming for half an hour.

Croat comes out, still drunk and starts swearing "Motherf**ker... holy sh*t...damn... Now where da f**k ... is that damned WOMAN, I need to... break her legs!"


[Core of the joke is how strong our homebrewn stuff is. Let me know if anybody finds it offensive]

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

So a Russian, American and Croat have a small "Who's the most alcohol-tolerant badass" contest. The task they agreed upon is:
Drink 3 bottles of their favorite drink,
Go into a bear's case and break the bear's legs bare handed,
And have sex with a girl living not too far from the cave.

First goes Russian who drinks 3 bottles of some russian vodka, barely walks to the cave all drunk and all, goes inside, and all that was heard was the guy getting killed and eaten.

Second goes the American who drinks 3 bottles of some good old whiskey. He confidently walks into the gave but everything that's heard is he getting mauled to death by a bear.

Last goes the Croat. He drinks 3 bottles of homemade rakija (easily 2x alcohol content of other commercial liquors). He walks confidently into the cave.

Suddenly there's a whole lot of yelling and both human and inhuman screaming for half an hour.

Croat comes out, still drunk and starts swearing "Motherf**ker... holy sh*t...damn... Now where da f**k ... is that damned WOMAN, I need to... break her legs!"


[Core of the joke is how strong our homebrewn stuff is. Let me know if anybody finds it offensive]

Whoa EUD! :wtf: Man... I find that EXTREMELY offensive... three bottles is just a pregame to a true russian drinker. :drunk:

...and I'll just leave this here;

 

[Eudaimonium]

True, true, but going with any more than 3 would look weird for other two guys of the joke.

Well actually just replace the national stereotypes with whatever the stars of your jokes are.

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

Same exact style of jokes in russia btw...

A russian, an american, and a german are arguing about who makes the best cars. They settle on a competition, who car drive through a huge lake of manure.

The german jumps into a benz SUV, gets halfway into the lake and the car sinks.

The american takes a brand new ford mustang, shoots to the middle, and sinks.

The russian gets into a an ancient beat up zaporejets (russian version of the VW Beetle) slowly half drives, half floats across the lake.

People ask him, "How did you do that?!?!" the russian turns around and says, "shit doesn't sink in shit."

 

[ped]

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

[/coat]

 

[Eudaimonium]

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

[/coat]

You mean "Ee-Rahn" and "Ee-rahck", instead of "I ran" ? I know

Pretty much same with any foreigh word, I can understand if it's difficult to pronounce so you twist the accent just a little, but when it's not is what bugs me.

It's not "Key-tay-na" (seen it in videos!), it's "KAH-TAH-na". It's also not correct to call it "samurai sword", samurais weirded a wide variety of weaponry, whole lot of swords too. Katana is but a one specific type of one specific sword.

Also, it's not "roundhouse kick", it's "Uro-mawashi-geri". :na:
(Or well, mawashi geri as a type of kick, might be more specific)

 

[daawood123]

There are two men, neither know each other, and both are driving down a motorway (highway?) at speed. One of them, crashes into the other. Both drivers are unhurt, and the one who's car got hit (lets call him bob) seems in a pretty good mood, taking into account his wrecked car.
He says to the other driver " why don't we put this behind us, lets go and get a drink".
The driver agrees, so both men go to the pub.

However "bob", doesn't drink a thing, but instead, buys the other driver (we shall call him tony), beer upon beer.
After a while, tony becomes a little confused as to why bob isn't drinking anything, and says "why aren't you having a drink?"

Bob replies " I'm waiting for the police to arrive"

 

[ped]

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...

 

[grainde]

English from Around the World...

In a Bangkok Temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctor's office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Karachi Airport: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
In a Cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo Bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)"
A Laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: "IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…"

:crackup:

 

[Cyparagon]

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

While I agree in one sense, do you pronounce Mexico as "meh HEE coh"?
How about Spain as "ehs pahn yah"?
And Russia as "Rossiya"?

 

[danefex]

What did the blind fish say when it swam into a wall?
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Damn!

 

[Lethere Belight]

Two muffins are in the oven getting baked. One says "Damn! It sure is hot in here".
The other one says "holy shit!!! A talking muffin!"