Post your best Joke

[highlight]Your best Joke.....I don't care if it is dirty or clean, but please stay away from racial jokes.
Feel free to post funny pictures as well.[/highlight]
1.) A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


2.)  A girl is falling asleep in her R:E lesson at school and her teacher wants to catch her out so she asks her a question,

"Amy, who invented the Earth?"

so the boy next to her trys to wake her up by poking her with his pencil and she sits up and screams,

"God Almighty"

"Thats right" the teacher replies.

A little while later Amy starts to fall asleep again so the teacher trys to catch her out again with another question.

"Amy, what was the name of the lords sun?"

Again, the boy next to her pokes her with his pencil.

"Jesus christ" Amy shouts.

"thats right" the teacher replies, now starting to get annoyed.

Once more, Amy falls asleep so the teacher trys one more time.

"Amy, what did eve say to adam after they had there 21st child"

the boy next to her pokes her again.

Amy then shouts......For f**k sake, if you poke me with that once more im going to snap it and stick it up your *ss.

I have a pretty lame one, from way back...

Three vampires are secluded in a cave, obviously afraid to go out not knowing if the sun is up, at the same time they are becoming very hungry.

So the first vampire decides to go for it. *Poof* he turns into a bat and flies out of the cave as fast as he can. He comes back 5 minutes later with quite some blood on his face.

The other two vampires stare in astonishment. "How did you get so bloody," they ask. "Come on, I will show you," he says, and they go to the mouth of the cave. At the mouth of the cave the vampire points to a house a couple hundred meters away. "You see that house, I came in and ate the blood of the entire family", the fed vampire says with a smug grin on his face.

As the vampire finishes his smug statement they notice that the sun is rising and quickly retreat into the cave.

Around 20 hours later the second vampire fairly confident that the sun is not out yet decides to make a run for it. *Poof* he changes into a bat and flies away. Around 30 minutes later he arrives back in the cave. To the astonishment of the other two vampires his entire body is filled with specs of blood while his face is almost completely red with blood.

Noticing the astonished stare of the other two, he says "come with me", at the mouth of the cave he points to a distant village. "You see that village?" he exclaims with a self satisfied tone, "I stormed in and ate everybodys blood!"

The vampires retreat back into the cave, now only one of them is unfed and he is getting very hungry. *Poof* The third vampire all of a sudden turns into a bat deciding the meal to be worth the risk and flies out of the cave like a bat out of hell.

15 minutes go by, then 30 and finally after 45 minutes the vampire comes back into the cave in a state that looks grotesque even to the other two vampires. He is covered head to toe with blood, drenched in the red liquid and can barelly move.

The other two vampires scream in astonishment "WHAT HAPPEND, WHERE DID YOU FIND SO MANY VICTIMS!?!?" The third vampire barelly looks up at them, and tells them he will show them. When they come to the mouth of the cave, the vampire asks the other two..."You see that tree?", the other confirm still dazed by his grotesque appearance...

The vampire replies..."Well I didn't..."

One-Armed Jock

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse
for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury,
illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock
in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence
was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook
her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

-Mark

Three men break down in the middle of nowhere in a downpour. They look around and see a farmhouse on a hill. They run up to the house and knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and they ask to use the phone to call a tow truck. The farmer says they have no phone but if they want to stay the night he will drive them to town the next day. The men all agree and file inside the house. Inside they see the most beautiful woman they have ever seen. The farmer says its his daughter and if they touch her he will blow their balls off. The men agree and after some food all go to sleep.

The next day the sun comes up and everyone rises. The farmer takes all three men outside and lines them up. The farmer says as a precautionary matter he inserted razor blades in his daughter’s “who ha”.  He them raises his shotgun at the first man and tells him to take his pants off. The man reluctantly lowers his pants and there is blood all over his underwear. BLAM!!! The farmer shoots his balls off. Then he goes to the second man and tells him to pull his pants down. The mad says no,. The farmer then fires one right past his ear. The man drops his pants without delay. He also has blood all over his underwear. BLAM!!!, off his balls go. The farmer then points his gun at the third man. The man drops his pants without a problem and there was no sign of blood. The farmer says he is grateful to the man for keeping his daughters honor intact. The man replies..“Mmph mphou”

There is a 1st grader painting a picture when the teacher comes around and stops to look at the picture and askes," what are you
painting child". :-? In responce the 1st grader says I'm painting a picture of God. The teacher not too blown back says " Nobody knows what God looks like", and in responce the 1st grader says "stick around and you will find out".  ;D

A teacher was asking if any children knew about wales and in responce a student replied "I heard about a man that was eaten by a wale his name was Jona".

The teacher replied that Jona the man in the wale was NEVER eaten by a wale it was just a story. The student said" when I die and go
to heaven I'm going to ask Jona about the wale". The teacher in rebuke said "what if you and Jona go to hell". The student looked up and said "well then you can ask him". ;D

Seriously we like lasers and light, just today give some thought of who made it all possible and if this offends you then think about the teacher and her I'm sure well thought out responce : : : ;D ;D ;D








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jander6442 said:

A teacher was asking if any children knew about wales and in responce a student replied "I heard about a man that was eaten by a wale his name was Jona".

The teacher replied that Jona the man in the wale was NEVER eaten by a wale it was just a story. The student said" when I die and go
to heaven I'm going to ask Jona about the wale". The teacher in rebuke said "what if you and Jona go to hell". The student looked up and said "well then you can ask him". ;D

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That's my default response when anybody tells me to go to hell or something similar... with a cheery voice, I say, "Alright! See you there!"

-Mark

Okay, so a pirate walks into a bar, and he's a real old grizzled, haggard pirate, with an eyepatch, a peg leg, and a hook for a hand... He walks in and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender pours his beer and serves it, but can't help but ask "So, how'd you get the hook for the hand?". The pirate says: "Arr, t'were many a fortnight ago, me and me crew were anchored in the caribbean when a squall tossed me off the deck and I was attacked by a giant alligator. It took twelve men to wrestle me from it's grasp, but the beast took me hand as a trophy." The bartender, clearly astonished, begins pouring him another beer and asks: "So how about the peg leg?" To which the pirate responds: "Yarr, we were marooned off the gulf of Africa when my crew went mutinous and tried to take me wheel. I fought them all off with this here cutlass, but not before me midshipman took me leg." The bartender is engrossed at this point and wonders out loud: "So what about the eyepatch?" To which the pirate responds: "Aye, a seagull pooped in me eye." The bartender asks incredulously: "And that took out your eye?" The pirate responds: "Nay, but t'were my first day with the hook."

i used to love that joke about the pirate and his hook

sad_sagi said:

i used to love that joke about the pirate and his hook

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Until I told it, right? Unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to retell that joke with the hilarity it was delivered to me, but I try.

To compensate, here's another quick pirate joke...

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's this real old, grizzled, haggard pirate, sporting an eyepatch, a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a big giant ship's steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks him: "So what's with the wheel?", to which the pirate responds: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts."