Jokes thread!

[rocketparrotlet]

Okay, I'll start:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.


After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

 

[Kenom]

Sounds like something Daguin would do!!

 

[Ace82]

Man walks on beach and finds a golden lamp, rubs the sand off and *POOF* genie. Genie says, "You have 1 wish, is my command". Guy says; "only 1? I thought there was 3". Genie says; "well, times are rough, gas is expensive, markets deteriorating, we had to cut our budgets". Guy says; "uh, ok, well I wish to have a bridge from here (California coast) to Hawaii so I can drive there and back when ever I want". Genie says; "come on now, do you have any idea how much material and work that evolves? Couldn't you wish for something a little more simple and practical?" Guy says; "ok, sure, I guess that's bit of a stretch... My wife and I argue ALLOT, and I can NEVER seem to understand her. I wish to understand women." The genie says; "so, how many trusses will this bridge take?"

 

[Tw15t3r]

Blonde Joke!

A blonde walks into the hardware store and up to the sales person at the counter. "How much for that TV over there?" she asks, pointing to the far section of the store.

"We don't sell stuff to blondes here" he said.

Infuriated, she went back home, dyed her hair black, and returned the next day to the same store.

"How much for that TV over there?" she asks the sales person at the counter. "We don't sell stuff to blondes here" he said.

Really determined to not look like a blonde, the blonde goes back, puts on makeup, and changes her style of dressing with the help of her other friends, and even puts in an English accent in attempt to fool the sales person.

A week later, when she hoped he'd have forgotten, she went to the store yet again. "How much do you charge for that Television over there?" she says, as best as she possibly can.

"We don't sell stuff to blondes here" he says. Really mad, she storms out of the store, but not before passing by another customer who asked what got her so mad, and she replied,"I've done everything I possibly can to not look like a blonde! That guy at the sales counter keeps seeing through all these disguises and not selling me that TV over there!"

To which this guy replies.....

"That's a microwave"

 

[Tokudai]

Little Johnny, 12 years old,  comes running home after playing at his friends house. He is very excited as he comes in the door and says " Mommy, Mommy, I had sex today!" Mom is obviously unhappy and says " You WHAT??!?! You goto your room and wait for your father to get home!"

Johnny goes to his room, and when Dad comes home, Mom tells him the story, adding " I said you'd have a talk with him.." Dad heads down the hall to Johnnys room thinking to himself "All right, kids a chip off the old block!". He goes into Johnnys room and asks him what happened today. Johnny says " I had sex today Daddy!"

Johnnys father can barely contain his pride, and quietly says "Way to go Son! I'm proud of you! Don't tell your Mom but this weekend we are going to go get you that bicycle you have been wanting!" Johnny looks at his Dad and asks, "Dad, can we do it next week? My ass is still really sore from this afternoon..."

 

[Jimmymcjimthejim]

@Tokudai...
No. That wasn't funny.. Kind of disgusting.

 

[john_lawson]

what do you call a Les bi an dinosaur lickolattapuss


a G a Y dinosaur Megasoreass

 

[laserlover]

[highlight]this is the best joke of all time!!! read it and don't skip to the end, or it will be ruined![/highlight]

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'









Then he died

 

[lasersbee]

NF :-/

 

[rocketparrotlet]

3 WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

 

[laserlover]

NF :-/

that was the point, it was supposed to be a waist of time and make you mad that you read the entire thing

 

[lasersbee]

[quote author=lasersbee link=1223358083/0#8 date=1223934012]NF :-/

that was the point, it was supposed to be a waist of time and make you mad that you read the entire thing[/quote]

Well it partially worked.... I'm not mad... but it was a total waste of my time... do I send the bill to you??? ;D ;D ;D

 

[Tw15t3r]

I felt kinda sad for the father..... :'(

 

[laserlover]

my math teacher told me that joke last year and it took up the whole class (we were a day ahead of the other classes)

 

[JBTexas]

Did a search for a Jokes thread. Last post was 10-14-2008(?). This seems to be the most recent Jokes Thread. If we have a poetry thread, why not jokes?
-----
So...
-----

Once upon a time, in a magical land, on a magical hilltop, there lived a race of magical, silly little creatures. "Trids", these guys were called. Most likely related to Smurfs, but these guys were green.

ALL was fine and wonderfull in Trid Land. Until one day...

A mean old giant came along... and proclaimed "This hilltop is now MINE!!!!"

... and the mean old giant kicked the poor Trids on their Trid arses, and the poor little Trids went a-rolling down the Trid Hill.

The Trids tried to find people to help them. They approached the Knight- Who- Always- Walks- Backwards, but he was no help. They talked to Conan the Librarian, but he was too busy sorting books.

Finally a villager said "Talk to the Rabbi who lives by the river - he is wise, and he can solve your problem with reasoning and logic. DO mind the vapors, though, for he is fond of mexican food, and he is old, and his powers, though great, are awfully smelly".

The kindly Rabbi agreed to help. (fart)

So the Rabbi confronted the mean old giant.

The Rabbi sat and STARED at the giant (who's name was Bubba, by the way), hoping the giant would be intimidated, and go away. The giant just twiddled his thumbs. Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle.

Then the Rabbi said "Giant! Why do you take that which isn't yours, and make these poor, defenseless Trids homeless"? (fart)

The giant said "Cause this here hill is now MINE!"

The Rabbi said to himself, "What nonsense!". He decided to try staring down the giant for a little while longer.

After a while, the Rabbi said "Bubba! I've been sitting here staring at you in a most annoying fashion ... for hours ... not to mention my awesome gas ... but you haven't tried to kick ME down the hill!"

And the giant said "Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Trids!"

 

[daguin]

Old Man And The Beaver
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"




The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."




One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge..





He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.


"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Peace,
dave
​