Jokes thread!

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Lazerbeak]

:crackup: lol, science :crackup:

Racial profiling? Never

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

Racial no. Profiling... yes please.

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[ZeroLaser]

 

[Lazerbeak]

Faster, faster... Noooo!

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Lazerbeak]

My last Doctor's visit.

~ LB

 

[ped]

A few quickies from my Facebook wall.

NSFW due to language.
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I just got home from the pub and the missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.

I said, "What the fuck are you baking at this hour?"

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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

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I've just been watching porn on my new iPad.

Most fun I've had on a tablet since I went to see The Prodigy in 1996.

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My family are a constant reminder of what's important in life.

Alcohol.

 

[Lazerbeak]

DEVIL IN THE CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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EASTER BLONDIES

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
"Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted...

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BUDDHIST DOG

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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GOD'S DEAD DOG

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Lazerbeak]

:crackup: Lol, the modern age :crackup:

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

Yup. It really annoys me when people are constantly looking at their phones.

Was out at a hookah bar a couple of weeks ago with a friend. As we were relaxing there, I was doing a little people watching. Near us were other people... a couple of girls... what struck me as incredibly odd, is the whole time they were there, both were on their phones almost non stop. Aside from deciding what to order, I don't think either said five words the whole time.

 

[ped]

I hate my phone...I hate having to have one, I find it annoying and invasive.


But a necessary evil.

 

[Lazerbeak]

I don't have a phone at the moment and I've just been enjoying it. Eventually I'll have to get something, but I'm seriously considering a tablet and just using skype or something.

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

I think we're part of the way there. Not quite, but close.

A lot of people would also certainly plug into a virtual world altogether given the choice.

I suggest watching this movie, but only if you really have time to kill. (It kind of sucks.) Gamer (2009) - IMDb

Now back to the subject at hand...