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Old 05-03-2015, 12:20 PM #673
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the

second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind

To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing

behind her picked her up easily by the waist

and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the w
ould-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,I kinda figured we was friends.'


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Old 05-03-2015, 12:23 PM #674
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.


Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Old 05-18-2015, 02:27 PM #675
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.”

The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks.

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
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Old 05-20-2015, 05:02 PM #676
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

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Old 06-23-2015, 05:22 PM #677
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Old 07-11-2015, 11:20 AM #678
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

I have a pretty good knock knock joke, but you gotta start it
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Old 07-11-2015, 02:16 PM #679
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

I'll bite.

Knock Knock...
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Old 07-11-2015, 03:02 PM #680
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Who's there?
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Old 07-11-2015, 03:16 PM #681
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Boo......
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Old 07-25-2015, 02:26 PM #682
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

From Siki -


Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
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Last edited by ped; 07-25-2015 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 07-25-2015, 09:55 PM #683
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Yer regular Walmart clerk ain't got no idea'r what kind'r egg you was even askin'bout.
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Old 08-07-2015, 02:36 AM #684
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Talking Re: Jokes thread!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ped View Post
From Siki -


Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."


Yeah, probably made up by someone who's never been in a walmart....possibly never in the US.

1) http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nati...icle-1.1290804

2) "oh no, sir".....that was never said by a walmart employee.

3) "we don't sell them in the states" - said by no one IN "the states".

4) "they are a health hazard" - Said by no one at walmart either.



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Old 08-10-2015, 06:39 AM #685
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

I tried to cross a bulldog and a shih tzu, but instead of getting a bullshit i just got a dog-zoo... very disappointing.
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Old 08-17-2015, 01:22 PM #686
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch xxx movies, don’t you?"

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Old 08-17-2015, 01:34 PM #687
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

On a plane there was the captain, an aussie, a new zealander, a south african and an american. The captain told the others that the plane was too heavy so they threw out all their luggage. Then he said it was still too heavy and they were going to crash. So the South African and the American jumped out of the plane saying "I'm doing it for my country" and then the New Zealander pushed the Australian out of the plane saying "I'm doing this for my country"
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Old 08-17-2015, 01:37 PM #688
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having *** with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

Last edited by kiwi37; 08-17-2015 at 01:42 PM.
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