Jokes thread!

[InfinitusEquitas]

Yup, personally I would prefer a somewhat more relaxed schedule. I'd also swap out golf for jet skying, and fishing for, well, more of the really fun stuff

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

If I ever become a father, you can bet I won't be a mature one

 

[ped]

You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

It's rather racist... http://i.imgur.com/sd5ceiC.jpg

 

[daguin]

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, 'How much money money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,
'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room a voice said, 'That was the pizza delivery guy.'

 

[Lazerbeak]

:crackup: Love corporate logic.

__________________________________

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. To my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before.

The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Dr_Evil]

I heard this bad joke today.

How do you get a kleenex to dance? Put some boogy into it.

 

[Lazerbeak]

Thinking Outside The Box
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

~ LB

 

[ped]

A Photon walks into a hotel, the bell boy says "do you have any luggage"?

The Photon says "No, I'm travelling light"

/groan

 

[The Lightning Stalker]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

 

[daguin]

A Muslim was sitting next to Murphy on a plane.


Murphy orders a whiskey.


The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.


He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"


Murphy handed his drink back and said "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice!"



Peace,
dave

 

[Lazerbeak]

:crackup: What Airline is this? :thinking:

~ LB

 

[Zeebit]

 

[The Lightning Stalker]

Zeebit, that video is broken.

 

[Zeebit]

Fixed