Old 06-18-2011, 12:39 AM #17
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

There was a married couple and the wife constantly got headaches so she decided to try a hypnotist.

She came home, all excited, and told her husband she was cured!! The husband was curious as to how this happened so he asked his wife what he did to cure her.

She replied, "I look into the mirror and tell myself three times, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, and it goes away!!! Then the wife tells her husband, "ya know, you don't have much of a libido anymore why don't you go visit the hypnotist and see if he can help you?"

So the husband figures what the heck and he sets up an appointment. The husband returns home to his wife from his appointment and tells her to get naked and into bed. The husband then goes into the bathroom for a minute, comes back out and jumps in bed with his wife.

It was the most amazing thing she's ever had! He tells her to wait there in bed, he would be back in a minute. So the husband goes into the bathroom for another minute, comes back out and jumps into bed with his wife for round two!! It was more amazing than the first time!!! So the husband tells her to wait in bed for round three and he sneaks back into the bathroom.

Well by now the wife is curious as to what her husband is doing in there so she follows him and peeks through the ajar door and this is what she sees;

Her husband is looking into the mirror at himself saying, "she's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife."


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Old 06-18-2011, 12:46 AM #18
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

^hehehe

And that one was hilarious, Dave
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Old 06-18-2011, 06:14 AM #19
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

much ROFLing

'specially the beaver joke.

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Old 06-18-2011, 06:44 AM #20
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Once there was this guy that had a pet camel, which he was dearly fond of; he raised it from a baby.

But as his pet camel grew older, it started to have behavioral problems. It started having mood swings, would rampage around the house, and urinate on things.

He took his camel to the veterinarian for a check up. "Simple", the vet said, "your camel is grown up now, and it is getting horny. He needs a mate".

"But I don't have room for TWO camels, much less new BABY camels!"

"Well,", the vet said," then you need to have it castrated. I can't do it, I am not trained to castrate camels and I probably do not have the right equipment. BUT, I know there are some people in town that specialize in it. Check the yellow pages in the phone book".

So the guy checked the phone book. He called up the first guy that he found, and asked how much it cost. "That is a rather specialized procedure, so I would have to charge you $800". "But that's too much... my camel already costs quite a bit of money just to feed him. Thanks, but I will shop for someone cheaper".

Every establishment he called cost a great deal of money.

Finally, he saw the LAST advertisment in the section; "Camels Castrated Painlessly, for Cheap!"

He called, and the charge would only be $20! So he made an appointment.

He brought his camel, and the guy and his camel made themselves comfortable in the waiting room. Finally, the receptionist said that his turn came, and gave directions to the proper room.

"Now... are you SURE that this is done PAINLESSLY?", the guy asked. "Oh, absolutely" the veterinary specialist said, "it won't hurt a bit! But you will have to wait up front - insurance regulations, and so forth".

So the guy waited. About five minutes later, he heard: "SPLAT! SPLAT!" and then a bloodcurdling camel-scream.

He rushed in, and his camel was writhing on the floor in pain, and there was blood all over the place.

"I thought you said it was painless!?!!?"

"Oh, it is; the trick is not to get your fingers caught between the bricks!"
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Old 06-18-2011, 08:58 AM #21
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Breaking Science NEWS



New Element Discovered

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...
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Old 06-18-2011, 11:08 AM #22
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Scientists revealed the formula for the perfect cup of tea today.

Maybe cancer patients could have one while they wait for a cure.
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Old 06-19-2011, 06:27 AM #23
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:34 PM #24
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A NEW DOCTOR IN TOWN!!

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed , but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before." Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."
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I said. "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:03 PM #25
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

...So this Bear goes into a bar, bellies up and ask the bartender for a drink.

...the bartender replies "We don't serve Bears here"

...The Bear is a bit angered by this and responds. "..look i'v had a long day, hiking through the forest, eating food from pick-nickers...all I want is a cold beer!"

...The bartender replies "We don't serve Bears here"

....The Bear, now getting more angry insist "Just give me a beer!"

...The bartender continues "WE DON"T SERVE BEARS HERE!"

...The Bear has now had enough! "If you don't give me a beer, i'm going to eat the woman sitting at the end of the bar there!"

....again..."We don't serve Bears here!"

The Bear, true to his word, goes to the end of the bar and eats up the woman sitting there. Full and satisfied he comes back to the bartender.

"Now you see how serious I am about getting my beer! Serve me my beer!"

To this the bartender replied: "We don't serve drug users! Get out!"


Bear: "Drug users? What are you talking about?"



Bartender:....."Well, what about that Bar-bitch-you-ate?"

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Old 06-22-2011, 08:11 AM #26
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Round 2
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:17 AM #27
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A farmer walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says..
"HONEY, THIS IS THE PIG I'VE BEEN FUCKING!"
The farmers wife looks at him and says...
"BUT THAT'S A CHICKEN YOU'RE HOLDING DEAR!"
The farmer looks at his wife and says ....

"I KNOW!........I WAS TALKING TO THE CHICKEN!!!!!"

Sorry...........Old joke.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:47 AM #28
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

A Good Pun is it's own Reword.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

If electricity comes from electrons...does that mean that morality comes from morons ?

Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Old 06-27-2011, 12:22 PM #29
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Why is it that adverts for Durex Condoms are banned until after the 9pm watershed, yet Tampax see it fit to ruin my appetite every **cking mealtime?
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:46 AM #30
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

Please take precaution, this is a very ***ist joke, I heard it at a party but here it goes.

How do you turn a snow thrower into a dishwasher?
Tell her to start scrubbing.
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Old 06-30-2011, 06:24 AM #31
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1) I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

2) My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3) I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5) The reports are all in. Life is not fair.

6) If all is not lost, where is it?

7) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8) Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

10) Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11) Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13) The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15) When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16) It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18) These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Last edited by ShortyInCanada; 06-30-2011 at 06:24 AM. Reason: Typo.
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Old 06-30-2011, 08:24 AM #32
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Default Re: Jokes thread!

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