Jokes thread!

[gismo]

Let's start this gorilla party, yeah?

Couple of hours later...wanna see my laser pointer?

If so, raise your hand please!

After party till late night, always brings us best of fight (in black&white)!

From the movie book The untold Congo laser adventures.

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Kookapeli]

I'm a little out of shape so I went to my doctors for advice on the best way to get fit.
My doctor suggested to start off light, do a small bit each day for a couple of weeks.
So I went back and he asked how I was getting on, I said not too bad

He suggested now to do something three times a week that would leave me a little breathless...... So I started smoking again

 

[Lazerbeak]

:crackup:

_____________________________________

One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Priorities

___________________________________________

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"

"Oh....Just a couple minutes ago."


~ LB

 

[RawPaul]

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play normally, one club and two balls.

2. Play of course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole while getting the balls as close to the hole without actually going in.

4. For most effective play , the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along at all times.

10. When a new course is being played, players should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled. Other players have been known to become irate when they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is ready for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarilyunder repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this ituation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission prior to attempting the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to speed up play at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a particular course. Additional assessments are likely to be levied by the course owner, and the rules of play are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue playing several different courses.

Is this where the term foreplay came from, when a golfer yells "fore" before he takes his strokes?

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

Is this where the term foreplay came from, when a golfer yells "fore" before he takes his strokes?

Subtle. :crackup:

 

[Blaster]

Q: Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? A: He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q: What kind of institution is Marriage? A: One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Q: What does marriage do? A: Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Q: What kind of rings do men need for marriage A1: Engagement Ring A2: Wedding Ring A3: Suffe-Ring A4: Endu-Ring

Q: Whats the definition of a happy marriage? A: One where the husband gives and the wife takes.

Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Q: When are feminists bad? A: After one marries your sister!

Q: Who is the perfect husband? A: One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!

Q: When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? A: When her husband is away on business!

Q: How hard is it to lose a wife? A: Nowadays its almost impossible!

Q: Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? A: Because love means nothing to them!

Q: Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? A: One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father!

Q: The difference between marriage and death? A: Dead people are free.

Q: What is the ideal marriage? A: One between a deaf man and a blind woman

Q: Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? A: Your husband!

Q: How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? A: By getting Married!

Q: Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom A: In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Q: Marriage is what kind of sport? A: One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!

Q: What kind of process is Marriage? A: A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out.

 

[Lazerbeak]

Married? :crackup:

~ LB

 

[Blaster]

Um yeah what was the give away

 

[Lazerbeak]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

_____________________________

On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

____________________________

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

____________________________

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Blaster]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?':takeit:

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[Lazerbeak]

~ LB

 

[InfinitusEquitas]

 

[InfinitusEquitas]